If I could change 2 things about me

If I could change 2 things! It would probably JUST be my voice. I hate my voice. I hate sounding like a fag. I wish I could change it. What the fuck happened.

Just got back from counseling

Today, I went to counseling.

It was stupid.

It's come to the point

Today, I am mental.

Mental, sick, disgusting, gross, satanic, and going to hell.

AT least according to my parents.

Exactly

Today, I have exactly 379 friends on myspace.

And I will admit, it is my ambition to hang out with random people and have great times... but I don't think I am "friend" material.

Looking at people I know having fun without me makes me sick. I hate missing out.

Hate it.

I actually enjoy being a hermit a bit.

I GOT BALLZZZ

Today, I am happy.

Did extremely well on the ACT.

I also asked him, he's not, but I was curious. Basically, I dress too well to be straight. That's like a double edged sword, LOL!

The point is, this guy is really something special. He's just a good kid and I wish the best for him, although I will most likely never talk to him again. I told him his, and a lot of my other background. Just an all-around good kid.

I'm either sensitive or proud

Today, I am thinking about adjectives.

I was at the 30-hour famine to support World Hunger, when this guy I knew from my Euro class, while playing Ping-Pong, asked me if I was gay. He was only the 3rd person to ask, and I am glad to say that I told him the correct answer. However, after I told him, he gave me an "awkward hug" and said "Woo, now I have a gay friend."

These words were like bees, poking and prodding me, but never venturing to find their true meaning. I was stung. I know these words were not meant to intentionally hurt me, but I hate being labelled as "the gay friend" or whatever. I am not a item you can add into your collection of friends, along with your rebels, jocks, lesbians, dork, and whatever friends you have. Again, I know it wasn't meant intentionally, but it still hurt.

I'd also like to take a non-sequitar onto my irrationality. I have a great fear of being close to any male. Consider library boy, who only used me for sex, and had no intention of my feelings; or Matt, who I let into my life only to leave me barren and desolate. It turns out that 100% of the males that I make friends with screw me over, and I am deathly afraid of that.

My intention is to have a few good guy friends, but it seems an impossibility for me. Not only do I have an irrational fear of being friends with guys, but I also assume that any guy that is nice to me likes me. There are 2 type of people who are nice to me; the ones that are generally good people and the ones that actually swing for my team and want to round the bases. I am fairly confident that this one is a generally good person, so, therefore, I naturally have a dislike for him; this dislike only breeds from my irrational fear and my overassumptions of people.

I can't really describe my feelings for this guy. It feels like library boy all over again. He was tolerable to me in European History, always handing out a compliment. He sat next to me, but that could have just been a sign of good grace. He seems generally interested in me; and this interest in me only furthers the dislike I have of him because of already said causes.

If I ever gained the courage to contact him, besides becoming his "friend" on myspace, which has no secular rank, I would like to ask him 2 questions that are probably double edged.

1) Why did you even ask if I was gay in the first place? What does it matter to you? As far as I am concerned, a friend is a friend, and I'm not your "gay friend", I am your friend.

2) Does it make a difference if I am gay?

I am always the type of person who looks at everything from every angle, and therefore, I see both extremes; he could either be gay and like me, or who could just be a fair person with a genuine, caring personality. I'll probably antagonize it for over a month, then come to my senses and finally ask him in a ridiculous manner that ostracizes myself from him and will probably lose all respect he has for me.

The 3rd question is for myself:

3) Why the hell do I do this to myself? Shut up and stop dreaming.

(Long Story Short: Disappointed he called me "gay friend", I can't be close to guys without liking them, he's probably straight, and I'm an idiot.)

I just want

I just want a new blog.

Thanks for looking at this one... but I'd rather have a new one :D