If I could change 2 things about me

If I could change 2 things! It would probably JUST be my voice. I hate my voice. I hate sounding like a fag. I wish I could change it. What the fuck happened.

Just got back from counseling

Today, I went to counseling.

It was stupid.

It's come to the point

Today, I am mental.

Mental, sick, disgusting, gross, satanic, and going to hell.

AT least according to my parents.

Exactly

Today, I have exactly 379 friends on myspace.

And I will admit, it is my ambition to hang out with random people and have great times... but I don't think I am "friend" material.

Looking at people I know having fun without me makes me sick. I hate missing out.

Hate it.

I actually enjoy being a hermit a bit.

I GOT BALLZZZ

Today, I am happy.

Did extremely well on the ACT.

I also asked him, he's not, but I was curious. Basically, I dress too well to be straight. That's like a double edged sword, LOL!

The point is, this guy is really something special. He's just a good kid and I wish the best for him, although I will most likely never talk to him again. I told him his, and a lot of my other background. Just an all-around good kid.

I'm either sensitive or proud

Today, I am thinking about adjectives.

I was at the 30-hour famine to support World Hunger, when this guy I knew from my Euro class, while playing Ping-Pong, asked me if I was gay. He was only the 3rd person to ask, and I am glad to say that I told him the correct answer. However, after I told him, he gave me an "awkward hug" and said "Woo, now I have a gay friend."

These words were like bees, poking and prodding me, but never venturing to find their true meaning. I was stung. I know these words were not meant to intentionally hurt me, but I hate being labelled as "the gay friend" or whatever. I am not a item you can add into your collection of friends, along with your rebels, jocks, lesbians, dork, and whatever friends you have. Again, I know it wasn't meant intentionally, but it still hurt.

I'd also like to take a non-sequitar onto my irrationality. I have a great fear of being close to any male. Consider library boy, who only used me for sex, and had no intention of my feelings; or Matt, who I let into my life only to leave me barren and desolate. It turns out that 100% of the males that I make friends with screw me over, and I am deathly afraid of that.

My intention is to have a few good guy friends, but it seems an impossibility for me. Not only do I have an irrational fear of being friends with guys, but I also assume that any guy that is nice to me likes me. There are 2 type of people who are nice to me; the ones that are generally good people and the ones that actually swing for my team and want to round the bases. I am fairly confident that this one is a generally good person, so, therefore, I naturally have a dislike for him; this dislike only breeds from my irrational fear and my overassumptions of people.

I can't really describe my feelings for this guy. It feels like library boy all over again. He was tolerable to me in European History, always handing out a compliment. He sat next to me, but that could have just been a sign of good grace. He seems generally interested in me; and this interest in me only furthers the dislike I have of him because of already said causes.

If I ever gained the courage to contact him, besides becoming his "friend" on myspace, which has no secular rank, I would like to ask him 2 questions that are probably double edged.

1) Why did you even ask if I was gay in the first place? What does it matter to you? As far as I am concerned, a friend is a friend, and I'm not your "gay friend", I am your friend.

2) Does it make a difference if I am gay?

I am always the type of person who looks at everything from every angle, and therefore, I see both extremes; he could either be gay and like me, or who could just be a fair person with a genuine, caring personality. I'll probably antagonize it for over a month, then come to my senses and finally ask him in a ridiculous manner that ostracizes myself from him and will probably lose all respect he has for me.

The 3rd question is for myself:

3) Why the hell do I do this to myself? Shut up and stop dreaming.

(Long Story Short: Disappointed he called me "gay friend", I can't be close to guys without liking them, he's probably straight, and I'm an idiot.)

I just want

I just want a new blog.

Thanks for looking at this one... but I'd rather have a new one :D

It's all elementary.

Today, I am thinking about how we are all wanting to be normal.

I refuse to believe that anyone truly wants to be ostracized. One way or another, we want to be socially accepted for who we are.

And that's why I think that people like me have a harder time with relationships. We want to be normal, have the same things as 90% of the population, but we try to force it so hard that it just breaks. We're setting ourself up for failure.

So, I'm not going to push this. I don't want it to just be a sex/see ya thing. I'm willing to work out things, make compromises, but I'm not going into this head over heels. Or heels over head, for that matter.

I'll just let it run its own course ;).

OK

I am thinking about I only have 1 follower.

Thanks for that Alissa. You know I care about you :0

Friday is going to be a blast! GO TO THE DANCE!

I don't know

I hope tomorrow goes well

As far as I am concerned, the past is behind me.

The Thing I Dislike

Today, I am thinking about this one peculiarity.

Ok, so lets be rational here. I like to know everything. So, obviously, it is a big damper on me when I cannot know everything. I hate not knowing what people think. I'm not going to lie, I do think what people think about me. I probably think about what other people think about me more than I think about myself. Why? It's not that I am ruled by society, but I am generally curious.

I have come to the consensus that I am an observer. It's completely obviously. I can tell that when people look at me, but don't actually look at me, they are hiding something. That when people see me walking in the halls, just by their gestures, I can 97% of the time figure out what they are saying.

So, why be subtle? Does lowering your voice really help when you are mouthing the words quite openly and looking in different directions to make sure no one is overhearing?

People frustrate me because I don't know what they think.


ON THE POSITIVE:

I honestly think that everyone has some sort of good in them. Sometimes people will surprise you. They set the pretense of having a solid personality, but when the moment strikes, their true passionate colors show the world exactly who they are, in the positive way.

ON THE GREATER POSITIVE:

I have moved on from hating this person to just feeling pity for them. I'm truly sorry that you had to fuck me to get over your last boyfriend or you had to fuck me so I am not a novice with someone who actually matters. I'm truly sorry that you are 2 of my best friend's best friend, and I am truly sorry that you have to deal with the twinge of guilt inside of you for taking advantage of someone's heart. I am truly sorry that you might see me in the halls one day, totally disregarding your presence, because you fail to be an adult and confront personal issues. I'm sorry you don't realize how much you hurt me. But now, after 6-7 tremulous months after our first encounter, I can safely say that I have moved on. I'm ready to see other people. I'm ready to put myself out there.

The only reason it took so long was because the last time I put myself out there, you obliterated me.

Oh my god.

Today, I am thinking how proud of myself.

I always talk about how i am getting over and over this guy, but yesterday, I realized I didn't think about him at all.

It's like a new step
A new beginning ;)

I'm so sick

Today, I'm thinking about my sickness.

And how I am not down with it! I hate it. I missed a chem test, us history test, spanish test, math test, a DBQ, and a drama thing.

ARGISOGH

Today, I love English Class.

BECAUSE WE ARE ACTUALLY READING A BOOK. Isn't that Amazing???

Ok, it's The Scarlet Letter. It's depressing. It's Puritan.

But still, we are reading literature. Actual literature. I love it :)

One 2 Three 4

TODAY I LOVE THE PLAIN WHITE T'S

There's only
one thing
to do
three words
for you
I despise you

There's only
one way
to pay
me three things
because for you I was a toy.
I despise you.

Relapse

Today, I am still thinking I hate you.

But I'm kinda over it. And I don't know why I keep saying that. I kinda just wish you would actually just move away so I don't have to see your face again.

Not because I REALLY hate you, because I really don't like myself. You're like a drug, and I keep relapsing.

TODAY, I AM THINKING ABOUT THE NEW.

Maybe this will be a good beginning. I'm really excited.

Revolve

Today, I think my blog kinda revolves around you.

Let's be honest here, pretty much every single blog post I have had has been about you. And today its about you again!

You texted me, after 4 weeks of not talking to me, asking if I could hang out. I am SO PROUD of myself for saying no, albeit I was busy. I was about to ditch my sister to go hang out with you.

One thing I have noticed about you, mate, is that when I don't reply right away you get worried. I think its because you are a Gemini. You're so used to be in control in your head that you don't like it when things don't go your way.

Also, just like to quote from an astrological website on Gemini's:

--------------------------
If Gemini becomes bored within the relationship, he will almost certainly move on, often with no concept of the devastation he is causing
------------------------------------

Ok so I honestly think you just got bored with me.

ALSO, I am a Virgo, and Gemini's and Virgo's are actually really incompatible signs; something I will remember for the future! I find Gemini's really frustrating, Argh!

Especially this one

Save the drama

Today, I am thinking about that one kid.

Yeahhh again. Thanks for texting me and trying to start up some drama. THAT YOU MADE UP. Wow... I had on a grimace? How self-centered can you be?

SO OMG

Today, I am thinking that I have made even more progress!

I'm surprised I just remembered my blog. I mean, hey, one follower, but it was good to write out my feelings. Honestly? I haven't had a lot of feelings lately. I've been pretty liberated. I don't even really have anything to write.

OH. But there's this one kid that I see walking after 6th period when I go to my locker! I feel like we have eye contact but I am too much of a pussy to do anything about it.

OH WELL.

I feel better

Today I am admiring my progress!

I really do think about you less! I don't cry anymore, I don't wish anymore, and I think I really am moving on!

IT'S SO LIBERATING.
I LOVE IT.

Mom I really do love you.

Today, I am thinking about my mom.

I hate that you can't accept me. But I am okay with that. But... if you can't accept it, than ignore it! Why do you keep on bringing it up all the time? Why are you trying to scare me?

If you really hate it that much, than just don't talk about it.

You know that I love you, and I would NEVER do anything to hurt you.

So why do you hurt me?

Today, I am totally not making resolutions!

I am slowly getting over it. I'm laughing geuinely, I feel better about myself.

I am turning back into me!

And its kinda the new year's fault ;).