Sleep!

Today, I am thinking I can't sleep

It's 2:00 in the morning practically and I just can't sleep! I know its because I am avoiding my dreams, because I immerse myself in them and love my little fantastical life.

Why aren't my dreams turning into reality? They seem to only turn into real life nightmares. It leads to so many questions that are refusing to be answered.

Positively, all this late night crap is making me work out because that is JUST HOW BORED I AM.

I don't even know why I work out when I don't have anyone to appreciate it though :P.

I did it

Today, I finally got the courage to confront.

Except it was last night but I was so... enveloped last night.

The thing that really sucks is the distance they are trying to fore go but I don't think you they realize that I haven't hung out with you in 3-4 weeks.

It's not like you'll read this anyway, but I really want to be your friend. There is still a lot left that is unsaid.

I never tried to get close to you because you said you still had feelings with that guy. And now, 4 months after, you finally say that you DID have feelings for me, maybe I would have put more effort into trying to get closer with you, but you left me in the dark.

It's all out in the open. You used me, always saying you were "ancy". This time apart is going to rip to me to pieces, but if you think it is necessary then I can deal with it. I just want a friend.

It always sucks being rejected by your first crush.

Dreams are too real

Today, I am dreaming.

And I am still in one. I woke up today thinking that I was already awake. We were texting eachother.

It was only a dream, because in my dream, it seemed as if you actually cared.

I try too much

Today, I am thinking about my changing.

I like myself, but I really want to change. I want to change for a person, which even I know is ridiculous. I know that I like what I like... but it's not what YOU like, and that's all that matters to me.

Remember when I told you I was a "pleaser"? I honestly think that it is just my personality. Sure, I like some things, but I will always put your priorities above mine. Whoever I am with, that's what I'll do, because I would do anything to see you happy.

Even if it makes me miserable.

Christmas Eve Day

Today, I have clairvoyance.

I see through people. I can see through their faces and their words and find the hidden meanings. It's like I finally realized what Mrs. Neumeister was talking about. That all interactions are 90% nonverbal. You may say that you had some sort of feelings for me... but it doesn't show in your eyes.

Observing people, you can realize their true meanings behind their actions.

When you talk louder, you're avoiding something, like you are drowning out the question, oblivious to it.

When you look at me and smile, your face lightens up, but it doesn't reach your eyes. It's a facade you portray to manipulate me to get what you want.

When you look at me across the cafeteria, you quickly look away. That's noticeable, because of the guilt in your eyes.

When you see me in the halls, you have an instantaneous look of terror, and then ferocity, and then tranquility, as if the event did not occur.

So why do you create a fabrication of what you truly mean?

I want to be your sunshine, but it's a cloudy day.

You

Today, I am thinking about YOU.

And this is a short post.

You should just try to be with me or don't talk to me at all. I hate getting butterflies everytime I get a text from you.

Pairs

Today, I kinda feel left out.

I feel like everyone is paired up.

Last year, when I was dealing with my illness and god knows what... I was kinda isolated from my friends. I didn't talk to my best friend, I didn't talk to anyone from school... I was basically alone.

And now I am kinda realizing that maybe getting that thing didn't kill me... but it kinda killed my social life. I feel so distant from my friends now.

I feel uninteresting to them. I love it when people invite me to things but I don't feel they enjoy me when I go.

I love my friends...

But I feel uninteresting.

And it doesn't help my mind is always preoccupied with the slut.

Tonight, I am thinking I should be in bed.

I hate that I stay up this late but I don't really care.

So I am watching ATWT on Youtube and it's basically the best soap opera ever. I love every single minute of it. I must say that it has given me a lot of confidence. After long thinking over the christmas holidays, I may have another fact to list under things

I am also thinking about how I really got fucked in my firsts. I always wanted my first kiss to be something special. Well, now that I look back, I realize it wasn't special. I was being used. I abstained from kissing people because I wanted my first kiss to MEAN SOMETHING. All it meant was a kiss and then a diss.

And I will never get that kiss back.

I hate how I let myself go then. Moreso, I hate the person that did it to me. I told you exactly how I felt about it before you kissed me, and YOU STILL USED ME.

I don't think you even think about it that much, ruining someone's memory like that. Tarnishing it, throwing it away as it was nothing but GARBAGE.

And yet I still get butterflies when I see you.

Daughtry

Today, I am thinking about conclusions.

I have a lot of them today.

I feel like I am finally "Over You", hence the lame, corny reference to Daughtry. I don't know why, but I feel like you aren't the same person that I liked. I really wish I could write more, but I can't even be that candid. It's for the better.

And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally getting’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!

Christmas Corner

Today, I am thinking about Christmas.

But moreso, I am thinking about Christmas cleaning, since I spent my entire Saturday cleaning and decorating our house. It looks great, in my opinion. OH, And we made COOKIES.

I don't know about you guys, but whenever it is christmas time, my mom goes overboard on decorations, but I love it. I love my mom and her Department 56 decorations and all the red and green towels and santa's and penguins... it really gets you in the mood, huh?

I love having a clean room and I love Christmas time. I really just want to be around my friend, drinking hot cocoa around a bonfire, under blankets looking at the stars...

It's magical.

Oh, yeah I hung out with the person I referenced in my first post, and then I got a text a bit earlier.

I still don't know why you text me. I thought you moved on?

Grant my Christmas wish and be my present or grant my other wish and stop torturing me.

I hope it's the former.

Wonder Woman!

Today, I am thinking about Wonder Woman.

I'm actually thinking a lot about her era and World War II lately. That really was a bad time... but it was so magical. Why does it seem that in times of discord people will happily wave their native flag but in times of peace... Everyone complains?

Wonder Woman was a symbol of not only fighting the Nazi's but a sign of woman empowerment and nationalism. I love nationalism. I proudly say the flag salute EVERY DAY. It doesn't matter if it says "One Nation, Under God", nor does it matter if you think our president is shit. Be PROUD to be an AMERICAN.

We live in the greatest country in the world, and fellow Americans throw their shit all at the government that 99% of the time has their best interests at heart.

And Wonder Woman was a sign of the peace and protection that we have now thanks to our government. And people take it for granted.

It SICKENS me.

Pushover

Today, I am thinking about my actions.

I'm not exactly a pushover, but I am a very non-confrontational person. I hate fighting, I think it's ridiculous. Drama is ludicrous. Anything that is childish, naive, immature... doesn't sit well with me.

So, I basically don't mind if people do stuff really annoying. I try to like people for who they are, and if I don't like them, that's that.

But I think it's hindering me. I can't says what needs to be said because I am hindered by my phobia of confrontations. It's not that I don't think that they are necessary, I just want to stay friends. Even though I haven't gotten a text from him in over a week.

I'm too scared to say anything... I'd rather be miserable and talking than happy without being friends.

I need to grow some balls and just do it.

But I just can't.

Sister, dearest

Today, I am thinking about my sister.

She get's a lot of shit. But I don't think she deserves every bit of it. Let me explain my sister to you. She is THE most beautiful girl on the face of the earth. She's smart, funny, and gorgeous. I love her to death.

But she gets a lot of flack from our parents. And I don't think she deserves it.

My sister has been dating this person named Justin for a really long time. And my mom has a vendetta against this poor kid. My mom hates this person, I'd hate to see her act pugnacious to him. But my sister loves him, and even though he's not the best person, he is still pretty ok. He's not mature, but he's fun-loving and makes my sister happy... isn't that enough?

I hope my sister can work it out with my mom on this guy, because even though they break up all the time, they always get back together. I really think they TRULY love eachother... how can you get in the way of love?

He's there.

Today, I kinda think I flirt too much.

I flirt with everyone... but that is just my nature. I love to flirt. It gets me by... is that a bit sick? I am so emotionally deprived myself that the only love I feel I can receive is by flirting with others. When I wink at people, when I hug people, when I am close to people... it's the best feeling I have ever experienced. I'm not close with many people, that's why I am so close to my best friend and don't mind touching her in places most friends wouldn't (Not sexual places 0.o)

Since the start of school, I have had a few girls that have liked me in that way. Yes, in that way. Which is weird... I didn't like any of them that way, but it's the flirting that I did that led them on.

I hate when they led me on, but now I realize I am kinda doing the same thing, which means I should stop.

But I can't, because it is my nature, and that is what I do.

I'll just have to try not to flirt so... well?

Curious

Today, this blog is not about me ranting, but rather me just... thinking.

I love pictures, I really do. They capture moments in life that you don't want to forget. When your memory fades and your back starts hurting you, you want to remember those younger days. Now, I pose the question: Is anyone you do not know in your photograph?

Look in the background of your pictures, past the smiling faces to the people that are oblivious to the picture. Just walking around as if nothing is occurring, but yet... they are part of your memory. Whether they know it or not, they will forever be ingrained in that picture. Sure, you can photoshop them out, but it makes you wonder... how many memories are you indirectly a part of?

How many pictures are you in the background? How many special moments in life are you a part of? We are all connected, even if we are just a background, we witness the best moment's in people's lives without realizing it.

Funny, isn't it?

My Intentions

I've never written a blog before. I never thought I would be a blogger. But I always wanted to try it out.

The purpose of this blog is for me to just express myself, my life, my everything. The thoughts that I am thinking, the inspirations I gain from everyday life, the morals that guide me through life... all in the form of a blog.

Forgive the introduction; I thought it was appropriate.

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Today, I am bored.

I've been put through perpetual depression these past few weeks. It seems as if when my romantic affairs are finally on track, they are actually derailed, heading opposite of the direction. And what is even more ludicrous is that I am still following these train tracks, because I can't help myself.

Last Saturday, I witnessed probably the most depressing and horrible 40 minutes of my life. The thought itself was not depressing, and the actions we committed were not depressing either, rather, quite good :P. But even so... I know why you invited me over. I can see between the lines. You only text me when you are horny. You only talk to me when your dick tells you too. You won't stop until you get it. You, my friend, are a sick person. You invite me over to hang out "for a few hours", and I after I pleasure you, you tell me I have to go? 40 minutes of my life... wasted. Even more so. I spent time getting nice for you, I wore good clothes (even if they weren't exactly worn), and I pulled a favor from my Dad to drive me over JUST so you can have your way with me and then tell me to go. Why would you invite me over under the false pretense of a few hours when we don't even hang out for an HOUR?

I want you to know that I walked home. I walked the hour and 15 minutes walk home. You know, it's funny... it took me longer to walk home then it was the total minutes we spent together. And during that walk home, I did not cry, I did not tear, but I did want to rip your throat at. Do you have any consideration at all for other people?

You said we could be friends. Treat me like one. It was ridiculously funny when you told me you were ditching me to see if ANOTHER friend could hang out, one that doesn't do the type of shit we do. And you didn't even tell me you were planning on hanging out with him. If you want to be friends with me, let's actually hang out then. Let's watch a movie or talk about random crap. Do I look like just a tool to you?

I have to call in my judge of character here. You only text me when you are horny. You don't talk to me at school, in fact I saw you avoid me after school when I was with Jo. You invited me over just so I can fool around with you.

Please tell me... why do I like you? Why do I still get butterflies when I see your face walking by? Why do I cringe in glee everytime I see your adorable smile? Why do I wake up and fall asleep, with you the last thing on my mind?

The sad thing is, I can't get off these tracks that are pushing me in the wrong direction. I still like you.

Even through all the shit you put me through, you're still the only person that I have truly felt this way about for. It fucking sucks the feelings aren't mutual.

It sucks.